Marriage & money
by Sherri Grosz
When I was engaged and focused on
planning a wonderful wedding day, my mother reminded me that weddings don’t
make a marriage. As exciting as the wedding day may be, it’s the days and years
that follow that should really be the focus of our plans.
Would you be surprised to learn that
many engaged folks don’t actually talk about money or finances before the big
day? And if they do, it’s likely to be a conversation limited to the wedding
budget. Pastors and parents may be uncomfortable talking about money, so
couples are often left on their own to sort it out – or fight it out. Yet money
is often listed as one of the leading reasons for separation and divorce and
it’s a common area of fights and disagreements.
We tend to have either saver or spender
characteristics. Both have positive traits and, when combined, create a healthy,
balanced view of money. Savers are anxious about money. They tend to hesitate
and look for the cheapest option when they must spend money. Spenders, on the
other hand, are carefree and optimistic about money. They know it will all work
out somehow and like to have fun.
Savers need spenders to help them have
some fun and enjoy indulgences. Spenders need savers to help stretch budgets
and consider the future. When they work together, there is balance and health. Spending
and saving decisions are filtered through the needs and wants of both parties
and measured against the overall goals of the couple. Trust is built and the
marriage is much more likely to weather challenges.
When spenders and savers collide, the
fireworks start. Spenders can resent savers for being miserly and denying their
desires. Savers can resent spenders for endangering their financial health and
future. Savers may squirrel away money as protection against an uncertain
future. Spenders may keep purchases secret in order to prevent fights. It’s a
no-win situation where trust is lost and both parties feel they have been
wronged and misunderstood.
One young man told me that when he and
his wife were engaged, they were invited to share a meal with an older couple
in their congregation. After the meal, the older couple shared their process
for making financial decisions, and how they determined priorities, including
charitable giving. This young man said he was amazed at how transparent and
helpful the conversation had been.
"But at
the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man
will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will
become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has
joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10: 6-9
As the church, we should be doing
everything we can to ensure that marriages are built on the best foundation. That
includes open and honest conversations about debt, saving, charitable giving
and how to make financial decisions as a couple. How does your church help
engaged and married couples begin money conversations?
Sheri Grosz is a stewardship consultant at the Kitchener, Ontario office of Mennonite Foundation of Canada. For stewardship education and estate and charitable gift planning, contact your nearest MFC office.
First published in May 2011